A recurring theme in my therapy was that I had trouble setting goals. Our very first session was brought to a complete halt at the first question of “what do you want to get out of this?” I had no idea, not for the session, not for the whole therapy program, not for life. If I try to think of where I want to be a few years from now I just come to a halt, hell I was not even expecting to be alive at the time of the session. When I think of what I want, I am disappointed, disgusted, that cannot be what I want out of life but it is while it is not. I have no clue, I am no mind reader.
So I got home and decided that I would practice setting goals. I dug through the shed and found my old soccer practice net and put it up in the backyard, the goal had been set. I then practiced taking steps towards my goal, starting from the front yard I walked all the way into the net. I sat there for a while with a dumb smile on my face before that smile started to fade and I came to the same realization that Oscar Wilde had centuries ago, there are two great tragedies in life, the first is not getting what you want, the other is getting it. I was there in the goal but I had nowhere else to go from there. The satisfaction I had felt with myself was in the pursuit, not the end, so what was I to do then.
I thought about making a miniature net to carry around with myself so that I would not just be stuck there in the backyard, but then I realized if I was carrying it around all the time, then I would always just be moving goalposts. I go here, I go there, but then where do I go in the end if there even is one? Just take it one step at a time but you only have so much time and you know you cannot walk forever so you have to know where you are going but what if you cannot see past your own nose?
They tell you to shoot for the moon, but it’s cold and lonely in space. It’s cold and lonely down here too.