It was a few months back when I was locked up in a psych ward. The entire experience of my stay was rather traumatic, more so than even the events that led me to be locked up in the first place. There was some debate as to how serious the method I chose to do it was, I had known that what I had done would give me plenty of time to think about it, but the hospital insisted that it was a very serious attempt as it was certain to have killed me eventually.
My first meeting with the psychologist was a bit of an awkward one. There I was still in my gown from the ER and he was dressed up in a suit and tie. We were in his office which was painted a ghostly white with not a single painting or anything hung up on the walls. The contents on his desk were rather scarce as well, just a few scattered papers, a lamp, and an hourglass. There was something surreal and inhuman about his office and the experience became even more surreal when he sat down in his chair. It was a perfect grey that matched his suit and it appeared to almost swallow him. His outline blurred and merged with that of the chair and at some times I could have sworn I was speaking to a floating head.
The first thing that he asked was “why did you take the pills” to which I casually responded, “I had a headache.” He returned “You took the entire bottle,” “It was a very bad headache.” Unfortunately he did not appreciate my quips, even though I felt they fit so perfectly. All of the things I was dealing with, all of those conflicting thoughts and feelings swirling around my mind really were headache inducing and I wanted nothing more than to bring it all to a stop. The most interesting thought I had at the time came when he had been asking how long I have had these kinds of feelings, something about the way he asked it perhaps, “If you have not been enjoying life so much, why have you not tried to commit suicide before?” The way it felt to me was if he said, “If you do not enjoy life so much, why are you going to live.”
All I could ask in return, “If you enjoy life so much, why are you going to die?”