I feel like I am trapped in slow motion,
the whole world still spinning, passing me by,
and by the time I start moving again,
I know that I will have been left behind.
For such small words, “If” and “But” carry so much meaning, hope, and despair. “Yes” and “No”, can sometimes do the same, but never with the same sting. They are too swift and definite in their strikes, but If and But can ache for a lifetime. For the most part, But is what is and If is what is not.
But is most often the truth, the reality, the present. “I want to do something- but I do not know how to get started- but I am too afraid I will fail- but I am just too tired” – “They would be a great companion but they are just- but they are just too self centered- but they is just not my type- but I am already taken”
The But is what is, what came before it is nothing. But even being nothing, people can still hope for it, and that is where they ask in turn, “but what if?” In this unholy union of If and But, the If is the dominant one. “But what if I were stronger – But what if they started treating me a bit nicer – But what if they had asked me sooner – But what if things were different”
The If carries in a hope for change of past, present, or future. It deals in what could be or could have been as well as what could never be, never have been or never will be. This is especially apparent when it asks things in the past. “But what if I had done this instead?” This is a question that pretends to carry meaning when in truth it cannot. You did not do something different and you cannot undo what has already been done. You acted the way you acted because you were who you were and who you were is what led you to who you are now. There would be a different you asking different “What Ifs” had you done something different. Perhaps things could have been different, but they were not. But is the truth, If is a fantasy.
The future If is where things get tricky. If there is still time to make things different, that is where we place our hopes. The reality is that most stay the same, But what If? Perhaps they will, but I still believe that we should focus first on the Buts before were worry about the Ifs.
I could hear
the other drivers
racing for the light
saying stay green
but I was praying
please turn red.
There was no time
for slowing down
but I wanted
to stop me.
Some seem to think the earth is like one big mother
but I have always seen it as many brothers,
a band made of each stone across the land
every boulder and every grain of sand;
parents give asking nothing in return
but among siblings most things must be earned.
Whenever I am feeling hollow
and when nobody else seems to care,
even in the darkest pits that I wallow
I know I can always count on despair.
Whenever I am feeling lost
or I know I am getting nowhere,
even with all the strange paths I crossed
I know I can always still find despair.
Whenever I am feeling lonely
and when nobody else will be there,
even if everybody else has left me
I know I will always still have despair.
Take me in your ice cold embrace
and run your jagged claws through my hair,
let me kiss your bitter, tear-stained face
as I sing another ode to sweet despair.
tread upon me
and I will leave you be.
but if you do attack, I will
I sometimes wonder if I am
just a character in some play,
if my life is part of some plan
and meant to go a certain way.
Is it some kind of tragedy
and do you share the tears I cry,
or have I been caught in some comedy
and you laugh as I fail everything that I try?